...M would know how awesome small victories are!

First of all, he's losing his hair. :-) His cute little red hair is falling out. What's funny about this is that he's losing it in the same manner that Dr. Phil lost his. So my child, so sweet and little, looks a bit like Dr. Phil. haha. I tried capturing it in a picture, but it doesn't quite show it like it needs to. So you'll just have to take my word for it.

Second, he finally slept in his pack-n-play last night for 2.5 hours! I had some Swaddle Me blankets on hand so I tried one last night. He didn't mind it at all last night, but when I laid him in the pack-n-play he only lasted about 20 minutes and he kept spitting out his pacifier and waking up. So I brought him to bed with us when he got mad. He slept fine as usual with us. Then at his 2nd feeding I brought him to bed with us, but he spit up. So I cleaned him up and took him to the nursery and re-swaddled him and rocked him to sleep without his pacifier. When he was mostly asleep I took him in and laid him in the pack-n-play and he slept for 2.5 hours! I am so excited. I might be on the road to getting my bed back for most nights! Such a small victory, but it feels so huge!

My little man is getting more and more independent. I know he's only a month old, but I honestly can see him gaining more and more independence. It's scary how fast they grow up. We also found that he has started not wanting to be held after his bottles...he'd rather swing. Right now he's sitting in his swing snoozing. It's the sweetest thing I've ever seen. :-)

...this wouldn't have have gone by so fast.

...I would be a fearless mother.

Unfortunately that's just not how I operate. I have many fears for my son and my family. I never thought I'd be a clingy Mom or someone who doesn't want to part with my son at all. Well, I'm that Mom...perhaps not clingy...but I don't like for him to go far. My biggest fear as a mother, and I think about it often, is that I won't love him enough. I'm so afraid that I won't give him enough love and support and he'll turn into one of those school shooters or grow up to be an unhappy, insecure child. I know that recognizing the fear is the first step to not allowing it to come true.

But geez...you don't know you've screwed up your children until they're grown up and it's too late. How do you avoid that? How do you know you're doing enough? How do you make sure you're giving them all the love and security they need? Even better, how do you do all of this without spoiling them or making them super clingy babies who won't go to anyone but you?

There should be an instruction manual that comes with babies. I don't understand why they thought it was a good idea to let me take a baby home from the hospital with no instruction manual. I had to do more to get a driver's license than I did to get to take this sweet little child home with me. That just doesn't seem right to me.

...the US would not become a mirror image of 1984.

So Brad called me today and apparently he found out about some legislation that our genius President has signed off on that requires all babies born in 2008 and after to have their DNA taken, catalouged, and can be used for genetic research. As if THAT weren't bad enough, it is being done with out the consent or even notification of parents.

So yes, my son's DNA is being "warehoused" in some catalouge ready to be used for genetic research and God knows what else. I'm extremely disturbed and very disheartened that the people we elected to make decisions for us have so blatantly neglected our constitutional rights. This is something straight out of a Tom Cruise sci-fi movie. Next thing you know people will be arrested for "think crimes" or crimes that haven't happened yet. Or even worse yet, they will start killing babies that are not genetically "perfect"...can we say Hitler?

That is what our country has come to. The United States vowed to not let the terrorists win, but it looks like that's exactly what has happened. When our country, that was founded on freedom, is taking DNA of our babies without our consent or knowledge we have a serious problem and we are giving the terrorists exactly what they want...we live in fear. The DNA becomes the property of the Homeland Security department.

I'm very sickened by all of this. And people wonder why patriotism is dying...

...this blog would write itself!

Okay, here's a little update for you folks who keep up with me and our family by way of this bloggerific site.

We have stopped pumping breastmilk and have gone all formula. I tried a couple more times to get M to latch on, but he just wasn't interested, nor did he really quite understand the concept. He gained back all of his weight (not sure if I already posted that), but we haven't weighed him since his last doc appointment so I'm not sure quite how heavy he is now. I can tell that he's gained quite a bit b/c he just feels heavier...but I'm not sure how much heavier he is. The pumping was getting to be such a ball and chain and I was really starting to resent doing it. I was rushing through his feeds so that I could hurry up and pump and get done. It was so daunting. I feel much better now and M seems very happy and content.

He's very strong. He can hold his head up and move it around when he's on his tummy, but he doesn't have full control over it just yet. He's definitely getting there though. When he's in his crib he'll push off the sides with his feet. Mom thinks he'll be rolling over in no time. It's hard to see him as a helpless infant anymore because he's getting so strong. We've seen smiles, but not been smiled at. He's just trying out his smiles for now. His hair appears to be turning red. I'm pretty sure he's gonna look just like his Daddy, which is fine b/c Daddy is quite easy on the eyes. Unfortunately it also looks like he's gonna be pale like Daddy as well...but we can deal with that with tons of sunscreen. :-)

Today the pediatrician called me and told me I needed to take M to the hospital to have some blood drawn b/c apparently they didn't do a couple of screenings at the hospital when he was born. So I took him in and after waiting an HOUR in a waiting room of sick and weird people we go back. He was asleep the whole time until the nurse pricked his foot and started squeezing the blood out. He cried as loud as possible...sounded like someone was killing him...broke my heart of course and then as soon as he started crying when she pricked him he stopped and fell back to sleep. There are two things I learned from this... 1) B is going with me when he gets his shots because there is no reason why Mommy should be the only one to witness such torture and 2) I now know why they draw the blood in the nursery AWAY from the new Mommies when the babies are born...

That's all for now. Here's a pic from yesterday's venture to Louisville. :-) Love the chubby cheeks!! I could kiss them all day!

...babies would come with a handbook.

M is doing great! He's gaining weight and was back up to birthweight by July 4th. So he's doing fantastic. I haven't weighed him since then, but

...we could've by-passed all the drama.

Well, the day after M was born his weight dropped to 6 lbs. 8 oz., which is completely normal for a newborn. What isn't normal is for them to lose more than 10% of their body weight. The third day of life his weight dropped to 6 lbs. 4.2 oz. The nurses were concerned at this point and had us start supplementing with formula since he obviously wasn't getting enough to eat...he was also dehydrated at this point. So I continued to try to breastfeed using all kinds of tricks to help us both along. The next day he dropped to 6 lbs. 1 oz. and they weren't sure if they were going to let him go home with us or not.

I was beyond terrified. Not only was I hormonal as heck, but the thought of my brand new baby having to stay over night in a place without me was just heartbreaking. I also felt a TON of guilt for not being able to provide enough nourishment for my baby. I know that it wasn't my fault, but you still can't help but feel that way. Brad was fantastic. He was so supportive and really helped pull me through. At one point I had a nurse trying to show me how to get M to latch on (with no luck) and a lactation consultant (who was a moron) talking to me about breastfeeding and the benefits (as if I didn't already know). M was screaming crying like someone was tearing his arm off and looking at me for help and I was crying the whole time because I couldn't help him. I finally just said "I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want to." So the nurse stepped out and gave us a minute and the stupid lactation lady gave me a speech about the benefits and that "they" will support me with whatever I choose (like I care if they support me...I'll never see them again).

So we decided that it was in M and my best interest to bottle feed instead of breastfeed. I'm pumping breastmilk so that he gets those nutrients and antibodies, but I just can't handle the actual "art" of breastfeeding. Pumping is tiring, but I know it's best for him so that makes it easier to tolerate at 1am, 3am, 5am and 7am. We were going to supplement with formula if we needed to, but so far I'm producing enough to keep him covered. He's officially back up to his birth weight as of yesterday. So we're really pleased with that and proud of ourselves for making such a quick turnaround. :-)

He's just wonderful and we are soooo in love with him it's ridiculous. We both just sit and study him and watch his different facial expressions while he sleeps. He's so fascinating. Brad has to go back to work on Monday and I know it's going to kill him. Thank God I don't have to go back until September!

...everyone's babies could be this cute.

M drunk on 1 ounce of formula. :-)

...we could bottle the feelings I felt Friday and sell it.

So we reported the hospital Thursday night at 9:30. We got settled and they started the Cervadil at 10:30pm. I had to lie flat for 2 hours and then could move around to go the bathroom and what not. I will say, I'm thrilled I got to eat a good dinner because this morning is the first solid food I've eaten since Friday at around 7pm. Popsicles and ice chips...yummy! The Cervadil didn't do too much. It made my back kill me during contractions so I guess I was having tons of back labor. So they gave me Staydol (sp?) for the pain, which really just made me loopy and allowed me to sleep a little bit. I remember thinking to myself after taking it (but not being able to speak it out loud) “My tongue weighs like 700 lbs. this is craziness. Good stuff…

At 6am on 6/27 they came in and started Pitocin. For me this didn’t cause labor to be much worse than it had been with the Cervadil. The contractions did come closer together and slowly got stronger. They checked me every two hours or so and checked to make sure I my contractions were steady. They were a little erratic, but not too bad. They were coming every 1-3 minutes. My OB came in at 8am and broke my water and offered me an epidural. I was going to hold out as long as I could, but after not sleeping hardly at all the night before and with contractions not allowing me to cat nap that day I told them to bring it on. So I got my epidural around 9:30am or so. It was seriously a saving grace. I give special props to anyone who can go through 18 hours of labor naturally.

At 3:30pm my nurse did another internal and said that I was still at 4.5cm. She then informed me that I had been at that same point since 11:30am and that the doctor would probably want to do a c-section. She called the OB and she confirmed. So we got scheduled and went ahead with it. I was terrified…I’ve never had any major surgeries before and actually never been admitted to the hospital for anything either…so I was scared. Brad, my Mom and close cousin were there and they were super supportive and comforting. It was very nice, but honestly didn’t help my anxiety hardly at all…I was flat scared to death.

We went in for the c-section at around 5:30pm. M was born at 5:48pm. Before they pulled him all the way out they told Brad he could stand up and watch him be “delivered” if he wanted. Knowing B I was shocked when he stood up and started snapping photos of him being delivered from my tummy. Then we heard him cry…and that’s when the waterworks started for me. I couldn’t stop crying…I was relieved that he was here, safe, alert, and healthy. It was kind of like all the emotions from all the trying we did all came out at once when he finally came into the world. It was the most amazing, life-changing feeling I’ve ever felt.