I know, I'm post-heavy today.  But I had a teeny bit of time and wanted to do a little updating on Miles.

I really need to update more often about what he's into and how he's doing.  Right now he's Spiderman, complete with the old theme song and everything (thanks Grandma!).  He got Spiderman jammies for Christmas from Aunt Nikki & Uncle Zac that he would wear every single night if I let him.  They have webbing under the arms.  Super cute. 

He's really missing his mama.  I've been busy helping Mom and Dad and not that I've don't THAT much to help them...my brothers really are helping much more because they're closer...but still.  He's missing me on nights I'm not home and clinging to me like crazy when I am home.  I don't mind the lovin' from him, but sometimes it turns into acting out and being a turd.  I can't really tell if it's acting out because of absent Mama situation or if it's just that he's 3.5.  Either way it's tough sometimes. 

But last night we had a nice evening.  He schooled Brad and I in Candyland.  Somehow that kid wins more often than not.  It's craziness.  He was very lovey and wonderful.  This morning when I dropped him at daycare he was soooooooooooo much better than he has been the last 2.5 weeks.

2011...Good riddance!

I wrote a very nice, sappy, LONG post about NYE and being glad to see 2011 go.  Unsurprisingly the damn thing disappeared from my iPad and the app stopped working.  It was lovely.  That was in 2011.  2012 is shaping up to be much better!

Mom and I celebrated NYE together, well she was asleep, in the hospital with Dad while his heart beat out of rhythm.  It was a very scary, long night.  Anyway, what we found is that the chemo he's been suffering through has done NOTHING to help him.  The cancer has continued to grow and just make him more sick.  So he stopped chemo and a week later Mom brought him home.  Hospice has been called in and we're prepared for anything.

He was in really, really bad shape when he came home, but as the chemo wore off he's been rebounding.  We can't tell if it's the last hurrah or if he's generally feeling better with the chemo out of his system.  To be honest, we don't give a damn.  He's generally in good spirits.  He's talking to us a LOT more...even cracking jokes.  He's our Dad again and we'll take any amount of time we can get of that.  So we're soaking it all up. 

So to review 2011.  My Papaw died in April.  Dad started getting sick in March.  I had my gallbladder removed in July.  Dad found out his cancer was back and in a terminal state in September.  Back to the hospital for a wild ride NYE and also found out the end is MUCH closer than we all anticipated. 

So 2011 can suck a big fat...toe.  It was awful.  I mean there were good times mixed in otherwise we all would've lost our minds.  Nic & Evaline got married.  Erin & Thom had Emma.  Brad got a new, much better job.  So it wasn't all terrible...but in review I'd say it was a bust.

We're looking forward to whatever 2012 brings and enjoying all the happy moments we can while we have them.  :-)

Random Miles Entertaining Tidbits

When asked what he wants for Christmas (a few weeks before) he said "I want a cat.  But Mommy, one that doesn't talk.  And I need a black one."  :-)  Totally random, but I love it.

When we let him open a present on Christmas Eve (a tradition that my Dad started a long time ago when I was little) we chose a couple of DVDs so he could watch them that evening.  His response upon opening it?  (with a sad face) "But why did I not get to open a playing toy?" :-)  He's nothing if not honest.

When we were at Brad's parent's house eating dinner with Ryan & Shera for Christmas, we had Christmas Vacation on tv while we ate.  The scene where Clark is fantasizing about his new pool and the chick from the lingerie counter taking her swim suit off on the diving board came on.  Miles was completely fixated on  the tv.  When we asked him if he thought she was pretty and if that was his girlfriend he started blushing and said "No.  My girlfriend's Nicholas." (which refers to Astrid from How to Train Your Dragon.

Miles loves his Aunt Kitty.  But that is how he knows her.  When we were all passing out gifts at Mom and Dad's house, Mom was having Miles be her elf.  He was delivering the gifts to people.  She said "Ok, take this one to Catherine."  He looked around and said "Who's Catherine?"  :-)  We all had a good laugh.  Then when Mom came to Marty he delivered her gift saying "Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty" and Aunt Bonnie was "Aunt Boney".  He was on a roll.  :-)

Lately he's been saying "Well, that's weird." and "Eeew.  That's nasty." and "What the?"  He's a regular comedian these days.  We laugh more often than not.

He's also very, very sharp.  We read Polar Express once on Christmas Eve (Thanks Aunt Marty!).  He wanted to read it tonight again.  So I said "I don't want to read it.  You read it to me."  So he went page by page telling me what was happening.  I could tell the parts where he zoned out on Christmas Eve because he just kind of made it up.  But he remembered exactly what Santa said and what the conductor said.  He's so smart sometimes it blows me away.  Remembering the words to a story after hearing it once?  Incredible.

I feel sure that God allowed him to live (when he didn't let this last baby live) so that he could do great things.  He has a purpose here.  I don't know that he'll cure cancer, although I wouldn't put it past him.  He's definitely going to be intelligent enough!  But he's going to do something amazing.  He destined for phenomenal things.  I'm just the cheerleader.  :-)

Merry Christmas!

Officially back in the throes of infertility.

I know, I know...I got pregnant on my own in September and we lost the baby a month later.  That was maybe the worst experience I've been through.  But it gave me some hope that MAYBE I was "fixed".

Well, I'm not.

I was just coming off birth control when we got pregnant the last time.  My OB says it can sometimes make your body ovulate when you come off the pill because you haven't released an egg for a while.  Looks like it worked on me...but I'm back to being effed up again.  37 day cycles aren't going to facilitate a pregnancy.

So I'm starting clomid next week.  I hate clomid and it hates me...so please pray it works!  If it doesn't we're going onto Femara instead of clomid.  Less side effects, which Brad and my coworkers will love.

I just want another baby.  I want Miles to have a sibling.  I have the sweetest little guy in the world and I know he'll be an amazing big brother...if we can give him the chance.

I'm so angry that my body won't work properly.  I'm taking Metformin too.  I was hoping that was all it would take since that's all it took with Miles...but apparently not.  So we're starting the oral meds.  I always said I wouldn't do any "treatments", but I want another baby so bad I can't stand it.  I'm pretty sure I'm back in the "I'll do anything" boat.

So keep us in your prayers...

I'm one proud mama.

So we all know my Dad is very sick.  He looks a little scary now...or I thought he would to Miles.  He has lost a large amount of weight.  So he's very, very thin and he's lost all of his hair.  His beard is more of a goatee these days and is thinning out considerably.  He has a urostomy bag, a colostomy bag, a g-tube (to drain the fluid off his abdomen and potentially to feed him by), and another spot that is capped off...all on his belly.  His belly looks like a science experiment basically.

When we were over Sunday, Mom was cleaning Dad's belly because the tape they use was irritating his skin and creating sores.  So he had his shirt up, was in pain and was being cleaned up by Mom.  Miles came in the room and wasn't the slightest bit scared of his Poppy.  He asked if he could help my Mom.  So she let him carry Poppy his medicine in a little cup.  When Dad drank all of his water, Miles said "I'll go get Poppy some more water in case he's thristy."   So he went to the kitchen and got the water and carried it back in and sat it on his bedside table.

There was also another time when I was laying in bed with Dad rubbing his arms and shoulders because he was hurting.  Miles climbed right up on the bed with us and sat with me eating something while I rubbed Dad.  It was something I wish I could've had a picture of.  My sweet boy makes all this sadness so much easier to tolerate because he's not scared and he loves his Poppy no matter what.

Seriously, I could cry.  He's so compassionate and caring.  I am so amazed that he's not scared of Poppy.  All those bags and mess on his belly don't matter to Miles because that's his Poppy and he loves him not matter what.  It's a reminder that I've done something right.  I don't know what or when I did it, but I've done good.  :-)  I don't know how I got so lucky to have such a sweet kid, but I thank my lucky stars every day for him.    

The state of the union.

Well, things around these here parts are good most days.  I've started going out to Mom and Dad's to help Mom out now that Dad is home.  He's in a lot of pain most days and enjoys being rubbed on a lot, which is fine, but it's hard for one person.  So I'm going on Tuesdays, Nikki is going on Thursday and someone (extended family or one of us kids) goes out on the weekend.  So Mom's getting relief every other day or so.  It's working out pretty well so far.  We cook dinner for them, although Dad's not in the mood to eat much right now, and I did a little laundry yesterday and massaged/rubbed/scratched Dad until my arms were ready to fall off.  :-)  I'll do it again next time he asks and every time after that...because he's my Daddy and he's done the same for me for the last 30 years.

I emptied the colostomy bag last night.  Sounds like no big deal right?  It's a bag of poo.  It's not as bad as it could be for sure!  I did great.  :-)  I was so proud and felt so accomplished!  Dad warned me over and over how disgusting it is...but really it's not that bad.  I mean, I have a 3 year old, poop is a way of life...and having it on my hands is far worse than emptying a container of it with gloves on and Clorox wipes at the ready.  It's ain't no thang!  Plus, now I can do that and Mom can take a real, honest, full-time break while I'm there and not have to run in and do it.  Hooray!

Miles has started to feel the changes around him.  He was acting up at school a couple of weeks ago and we've refocused and made him our focus when we're home and made sure he knows what's going on and feels loved and knows we're super proud of him when he does well at school.  He's done better, but it's still hard on him.  And Lord is it ever hard on Mama's psyche!  Last night, while I was at Mom and Dad's, Brad was putting him to bed.  He cried and cried and cried for me...even begged Brad to lay in bed with him while he fell asleep.  :-(  (Mama's heart broke when she heard that.)  So I promised him this morning that even when I'm gone in the evenings I'll iChat with him before he goes to bed and give him air kisses.  He seemed okay with that...so we'll see how he handles that.

Aside from that we're all good.  Almost gave Dudley away Sunday...but Brad convinced me to keep that little varmint.  Oh and I've lost 6 pounds in a month.  :-)  Yay me!   

The last 2 months have been insane.

No excuse for laziness, but it's the truth ladies and gentlemen. 

Well, on 9.6.11 we found out we were pregnant.  It was a complete surprise...total accident, not any less wanted...but certainly a surprise.  After 3 blood draws and 6 ultrasounds we miscarried last week on 10.12.11.  Very, very sad day.  We'll try again next year, but we're going to play that by ear.

On top of that sadness, we found out last month that my Dad's cancer is back and it's not looking good.  Dad is currently in the hospital (has been for 4 weeks) and is finally able to eat semi-solid food again.  After many scans and a surgery, he's finally starting to hurt a little less and be less nauseated.  Mom says it's looking like they'll go home Saturday, which happens to be her birthday.  So happy birthday to Mom! 

Oh!  And in addition to all that sadness, my little brother Nicholas got married.  :-)  It was a lovely affair and I can't wait to see some pics from it.  I only have a couple of me, Zac and Nic and one of Evaline.  We were able to Skype Dad in for the ceremony.  So he got to see Nic before the wedding and everyone after the wedding.  We even got a few pics with him in them on my phone.  :-)

Okay, more later...but that's all for now!